Ladies (32)

HOW A MAN'S PAST MAY AFFECT HIS INTIMACY CYCLEThis natural cycle in a man may already be obstructed from his childhood. He may be afraid to pull away because he witnessed his mother's disapproval of his father's emotional distancing. Such a man may not even know that he needs to pull away. He may unconsciously create arguments to justify pulling away. This kind of man naturally develops more of his...

Ladies (31)

OBSTRUCTING THE INTIMACY CYCLEThere are two ways a woman may unknowingly obstruct her male partner's natural intimacy cycle. They are: (1) chasing him when he pulls away; and (2) punishing him for pulling away. The following is a list of the most common ways a woman "chases a man" and prevents him from pulling away:CHASING BEHAVIORS 1. Physical When he pulls away, she physically follows him....

Ladies (30)

Learning to Support Each Other Without Having to ChangeAt the seminar Sandra said, "I have spent twenty years trying to get Larry to talk. I wanted him to open up and be vulnerable. I didn't realize that what I was missing was a man who would support me in being open and vulnerable. That is what I really needed. I have shared more intimate feelings with my husband this weekend than in twenty years....

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WHEN TO TALK WITH A MAN When a man is pulling away is not the time to talk or try to get closer. Let him pull away. After some time, he will return. He will appear loving and supportive and will act as though nothing has happened. This is the time to talk.At this golden time, when a man wants intimacy and is actually available to talk, womengenerally don't initiate conversations. This occurs...

Ladies (28)

Men Are Like Rubber Bands Men are like rubber bands. When they pull away, they can stretch only so far before they come springing back. A rubber band is the perfect metaphor to understand the male intimacy cycle. This cycle involves getting close, pulling away, and then getting close again. Most women are surprised to realize that even when a man loves a woman, periodically he needs to pull away...

Ladies (27)

MAKING LITTLE CHANGES One day I noticed that when my children asked me to do things I would always say "no problem." It was my way of saying I would be happy to do that. My stepdaughter Julie asked me one day, "Why do you always say 'no problem'?" I didn't actually know right away. After a while I realized that it was another of those deeply ingrained Martian habits. With this new awareness I...

Ladies (26)

NOW TO COMMUNICATE SUPPORT TO A MARTIANEven when they are out of the cave men want to be trusted. They don't like unsolicited advice or empathy. They need to prove themselves. Being able to accomplish things without the help of others is a feather in their cap. (While. for a woman, when someone assists her, having a supportive relationship is a feather in her cap.) A man feels supported when a woman...

Ladies (25)

WHAT TO DO WHEN HE GOES INTO HIS CAVEIn my seminars when I explain about caves and dragons, women want to know how they can shorten the time men spend in their caves. At this point I ask the men to answer, and they generally say that the more women try to get them to talk or come out, the longer it takes. Another common comment by men is "It is hard to come out of the cave when I feel my mate disapproves...

Ladies (24)

WHEN MARTIANS DO TALK Women get burned not only when they unknowingly invade a man's introspective time but also when they misinterpret his expressions, which are generally warnings that he is either in his cave or on his way to the cave. When asked "What's the matter?" a Martian will say something brief like "It's nothing" or "I am OK."These brief signals are generally the only way a Venusian...

Ladies (23)

WHEN MARTIANS DON'T TALKOne of the big challenges for men is correctly to interpret and support a woman when she is talking about her feelings. The biggest challenge for women is correctly to interpret and support a man when he isn't talking. Silence is most easily misinterpreted by women. Quite often a man will suddenly stop communicating and become silent. This was unheard of on Venus. At first...

Ladies (22)

Speaking Different LanguagesWhen the Martians and Venusians first got together, they encountered many of the problems with relationships we have today. Because they recognized that they were different, they were able to solve these problems. One of the secrets of their success was good communication. Ironically, they communicated well because they spoke different languages. When they had problems,...

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WHEN THE VENUSIAN IS READY THE MARTIAN WILL APPEAR When a woman realizes that she truly deserves to be loved, she is opening the door for a man to give to her. But when it takes her ten years of over-giving in a marriage to realize that she deserves more, ironically, she feels like closing the door and not giving him the chance. She may feel something like this: "I have given to you and you have...

Ladies (20)

LEARNING TO RECEIVESetting limits and receiving are very scary for a woman. She is commonly afraid of needing too much and then being rejected, judged, or abandoned. Rejection, judgment, and abandonment are most painful because deep inside her unconscious she holds the incorrect belief that she is unworthy of receiving more. This belief was formed and reinforced in childhood every time she had to...

Ladies (19)

SETTING AND RESPECTING LIMITSMost important, however, a woman needs to recognize her boundaries of what she can give without resenting her partner. Instead of expecting her partner to even the score, she needs to keep it even by regulating how much she gives. Let's look at an example. Jim was thirty-nine and his wife, Susan, was forty-one when they came for counselling. Susan wanted a divorce. She...

Ladies (18)

WHEN A WOMAN LOVES A MANA woman falling in love with a man is similar to what took place when the first Venusian believed that the Martians were coming. She dreamed that a fleet of spaceships from the heavens would land and a race of strong and caring Martians would emerge. These beings would not need nurturing but instead wanted to provide for and take care of the Venusians. These Martians were very...